Debate will ensue on this issue long into the future, but what about secrecy and privacy in personal relationships? Many of us have secrets. Nearly always, disclosure of such secrets — provided no one is hurt by the knowledge — is so powerful that patients experience tremendous relief, lifting of depression and lessened anxiety. Private things are those which are not meant to be shared. And if you have a history of cutting factual corners, playing loose and fast with the facts, or if you've struggled with an addictive behavior, you're likely more confused than the average person about the difference between secrecy and privacy.
Secret: information intentionally withheld for the purpose of avoiding consequences. Private: information intentionally withheld for the purpose of creating safety or protection of self or others. Privacy involves the use of healthy boundaries, while secrecy replaces a boundary with a wall of some kind.
It could be a wall of silence, avoidance, anger, defensiveness, or some other means of blocking communication. Because the practice of privacy is good boundary work, it's relational and intimate. On the flip side, secrecy is self-serving and intimacy-destroying.
The following three questions are an excellent guide to help you figure out whether information is secret or private:. If you answer no to the first question and yes to the other two, chances are you're holding a secret. If the information is private, you'll have a sense of appropriate—and healthy—"ownership" of it. Secrets, on the other hand, usually involve information that directly affects or impacts another person in a significant way. If you check in with your physical sensations, you may even have a felt sense in your body as to which one it is.
When secrets come out, as they inevitably do, you will have to deal not only with the content of the secret but also the huge gulf of distrust created by your omission, distortion, or outright lie. Talk to someone or several people you trust and get their feedback.
A couple may agree that conversations between individual partners and their personal friends could be kept private, if so wished, and that meetings and visits need not necessarily be disclosed all the time. Keeping something a secret, has an element of fear attached to it. The information being kept secret, could either hurt the partner that it is being kept from, put the offending partner in a negative light, or cause the relationship to take strain. The offending partner knows that the other partner would not approve of the actions or behaviour that are being kept secret, but does not want to give up the specific behaviour or actions; thus actively hides it from the other partner.
Previously in this article, we briefly touched on the idea of creating safe relationships and on what an important role trust plays in all of this. The feeling of being emotionally safe with my partner is being destroyed. In my opinion therefore; there is a huge difference between privacy and secrecy. Yes, we all have the right to privacy. I have the right to get dressed in private, to keep personal conversations between myself and my best friend private, even the right to keep my bank balance to myself — if so wished and discussed and agreed upon by us as a couple.
But as soon as I am actively hiding something that I know would cause trouble, upset, unease, hurt…I am keeping it a secret.
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